A Calling & A Longing

This year, I turn 30 years old. In fact, in about 4 months and 8 days, I shall enter a new cycle as a 30 year old human. Now, age numbers have little meaning to me, as most of the people on this planet are children in adult bodies. There are young bodies with very old beings in them, and old bodies with very young ones. However, there seem to be cycles and rites of passage involved with a biological body as it matures that seem to permeate our consciousness and sort of mutate us through our dharma.

I do believe we have a dharma. I do believe in things that challenge other parts of me that don't often like to talk about beliefs with other people.. things that challenge our notions of free will and fate, and where we come from, and some greater intelligence that works on our behalf.

I know that when I was 15 years old, my dad gifted me my first set of paints. It felt like a toolbox. I thought for sure it was tools to put in my forth-coming first car, for when I get my learner's permit to drive. In some ways... you could say it was all that. It was a tool-box shaped kit, filled with brushes, turpenoid natural, grumbacher oil paints, and some small containers of acrylic paint. I also had a nice little pad of canvas paper. This was where it started.

Not that I hadn't always made art. I just hadn't officially committed myself to an internalizing creative path. I was a soccer star. That was my destiny, or so I believed, until I was 15. My entire identity was utterly wrapped up in soccer, sports, and training. Although from as early as I started school, I was awarded and won things for writing stories and illustrations, but maybe not as much as I was awarded for being a total badass on the soccer field. 

So, at 15 I tore my ACL in my knee. I've torn them both at this point, so I don't remember which was first. But, I needed a hobby, because I had a lot of energy that now had nowhere to go, and an ego death that I was not sure how to handle. I began to paint. Synchronistically, this is also when I began a Venus-Pluto cycle that will continue to dominate and blossom in my life for a total of 20 years. 

I am turning 30 this year. That is 15 years of painting. 15 years of research and transformation. And I have had a longing. I have had a calling to teach. I have felt unworthy. I have felt, "Who Am I to be an Authority? I am not the best. Others can do things better than I can", and even so, how do I begin? What makes me unique, how can I make this all my own? I'm not sure, but with 15 years of experience, who am I NOT to be an authority? Who Am I not to teach what I have loved and learned and labored over at my own pace and in my own way, to cultivate a perspective that is ENTIRELY MINE, unique unto myself? How can I have the audacity to think that I have nothing to offer or am unworthy? That is simply heresy to the unique intelligence and brilliance that is this embodiment, that is this vessel of flowing creativity and work ethic.

I didn't take a course. I didn't get a certificate in Transformational Arts Therapy that says I'm officially allowed to teach. Yet, there is a longing. There exists within me an emerging desire deep within my Soul that says, "YES". It says, "Please guide me, Great Spirit, please show me the way forward" -

Now I am wondering... how do I offer this gift? How do I take all of what I have learned in the past 15 years, since I began this venus-pluto cycle that brought art into my life as a central focus for healing myself, and condense it so that others may benefit? How can I co-facilitate the utility of Art to allow others to heal themselves? 

I suppose by Allowing. That is what I hear. I hear that all I must do is simply to allow it to happen. It's all inside me, and all I have to do is to allow it to emerge. Simply Nurture others. Allow the art to do the major reconstruction, and the inner-guidance of the individual to drive them to it. Just be a mid-wife for their creative recovery, and they will teach me... they will give me space to allow it all to spill forth. 

I hear that I must be brave, and to experiment. I must show examples. But, I mustn't make it difficult. I must make it nourishing. All I can do is take the first step, and then the next step, and then the next, and it will continuously evolve. 

If I were teaching my 15 year old self, what would I do?